Commitment and Pride

I helped a little girl who means a lot to me study for a spelling test last week. I fancy myself a pretty good speller, so I harkened back to my youth and the tricks I remembered using to get tough words right, and attempted to share my secrets to spelling success. It seemed simple enough. There were only 8 words or so. Little did I know I'd be learning, or re-learning something so valuable.

I first asked her to write the words down several times... so she could both see how the words looked on the page when written out correctly, and tie an action to the mental practice of memorization. Then I asked her to study the words, think about what each word meant, use mental tricks that meant something to her if need be, and get prepared because I would soon administer a test.

Inside of two minutes, she said, "Okay, I studied them, I'm ready." Incredulous that she could have really done so in any conscientious way in that amount of time, I asked if she was sure. She said yes, so I gave her the test. She failed.

I then suggested she spend a little more time, at the table, redoubling her efforts to absorb the words, their meaning, and their spelling ... for at least 10-15 minutes, then turn over the page, and without looking back, try to again write each of the words, spelled correctly, from memory. She was tired of the lesson and began to sulk at having to go through the whole exercise on vacation! Her father did an excellent job of stepping in to remind her that the whole exercise was to her benefit. That were she to take pride in her efforts and perform the mental and physical exercise of her brain to be able to accomplish the task at hand, to the absolute best of her ability, that in itself would be it's own reward. And she may also be able to bask in the glow of a perfect score on the test, or at least be sure that even if she missed one, she had made an honest effort.

That led me to the point I want to make today about true commitment to anything. How is it that so many people, myself included, have put in half-assed effort in some area of life, then wondered how they didn't come out on top? It probably starts in elementary school, then goes on from there to high school, college, work, family ... even our chosen relationships with friends or lovers. We somehow hone an ability to do as little as possible to get by - and will even brag about it - then, when we fail a class, lose a job, or end up divorced, and usually have no one to blame but ourselves, what do we do? Blame the stupid teacher, micro-managing boss, or psycho ex! If they weren't so ridiculous, we would have done better, right?

Wrong. At least in most cases, I think you reap what you sow. Humor me. Be honest with yourself and think back to a time when you've made an honest effort, with true commitment to the best possible outcome, and taken personal pride in doing everything you can to accomplish a goal or task, how often has it been a total failure? I'd say, not very often. Even if things didn't go as well as you had intended, but you're sure you did all you could, you get something. It's when we lie to ourselves (and believe it), make excuses and lack accountability that we truly fail, but the one we fail most is ourselves. I know, I've done it too often.

I've also set hard goals in education and business and reached them through determination, accountability and personal pride in a job well done. My guess is that we humans have all gone both ways, slacked and really applied ourselves.

This has served as a gentle reminder to me embrace the concept and practice of true commitment more than ever. To take genuine pride in all I do. Not just in education and business, but also in my most important relationships. I want to pull out the stops and show up as never before. I'd better go read my post on doubts and fears so those blinders don't try to stop me.

And there you have it.

Everything's Coming up Wildflowers

Once upon a time there was a young girl, apparently born into the wrong family. The right family would have been more predictable, more reliable, more... together. They would have lived in the right kind of house with enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own. The house would have had a properly manicured lawn, and a walkway lined with brightly colored flowers in matching pots. Every weekday evening, at about the same time, the handsome husband would have pulled into his space in the tidy garage and been greeted by his wife - the woman he had loved since he first laid eyes on her some 30 or more years ago. This father would have loved his wife and children completely and would never even have considered doing them any wrong or leaving. The mother, who loved him the same way, secretly thanked God every day for him being so caring and dependable. They would have given their children just the right amount of love and discipline and been great individual examples of what it meant to be masculine and feminine and in love. In perfect and harmonious concert they would have modeled a mature, loving and respectful relationship between a man and a woman. This little girl was sure that kind of family would have been right.

Instead, that family was left. Left to learn that life wasn't always going to be predictable. Left to figure out how to live together, even with what often seemed were too many people, with too little money. Left without a father figure of any sort, much less the ideal. Left without a mom who was free to pack lunches, bake cookies, make perfect dinners at the same time each evening, and still find time to do all the laundry, keep the house just the way it should be kept and tend the flower pots that lined the ideal walkway to the front door.

Instead, this young girl and her five siblings were shown how to work the washer and dryer as soon as they could reach them and learned to feed themselves from what was available in the cupboards or fridge - both of which looked like they could use to be cleaned out and organized a bit more often. They were shown that a mom left to raise six kids alone would need them to become able to fend for themselves sooner than later.

It was probably no accident that the upper cupboards of their less-than-perfect house were lined with clippings that urged "Expect a miracle," "Be the change you want to see in this world," "Nobody can make you unhappy without your permission," "To succeed, you must first be willing to fail," and many others. There were also quotes on magnets that read, "A good memory is one that can remember the day's blessings and forget the day's troubles", "The only way to have a good friend is to be a good friend", "If you love someone, hurry up and show it" and a favorite, the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Taking that refrigerator magnet wisdom to heart and turning often to this prayer, the young girl ultimately learned she was much like the strong, beautifully persistent wildflowers that pressed up out of the overgrown lawn or cracks in the sidewalk leading up to her less-than-perfect childhood home. She wasn't like a potted flower that needed certain reliable conditions to bloom and would soon be out of season. She could handle unpredictable aspects of life and weather all kinds of storms. She had had a strong woman as her model because that was what she was going to need to be. The lack of the preferred form in her family had actually been right for her all along.

And there you have it.