I Forgot My ABCs

I hatched a plot to try to spur myself on to writing my blog daily. I was going to pick a word each day that began with consecutive letters in the alphabet. I only made it to A. What does that say about me?
Rather than dwell on that, I've decided to write about how I feel today. I feel lonely. Yes, I know that sounds somewhat pathetic - even to me. But, as if that makes things any better, I have reasons to feel that way.

1. I'm in a huge house all by myself.
2. My baby daughter moved away just a couple of weeks ago.
3. My first born son also moved away just before that.
4. My mom was visiting for two glorious weeks and I just dropped her at the airport.
5. The man I love, who could be here with me if he wanted to, is at his house, with his stuff, doing his thing.

(As much as that last one frustrates me sometimes, I wonder what it might be like if I felt more inclined toward solitude. Then my current situation might not seem so undesirable. I might be basking in the glory of entertaining only the most selfish whims.)
Anyway, feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time. So is wishing things were other than as they are. I always find my way back to the notion that there is some Master Plan and that "obstacles" just may be opportunities in clever disguise.
I heard two country songs on my way home from the airport tonight. One was about living like you were dying (being kinder, loving more openly, taking risks, appreciating everything), and the other was urging one to see the good in things and when given the chance to sit it out or dance, to dance. I've always wondered why it is people appreciate things most when they've lost them...why not when it matters most, while they still have them? And, I've never minded dancing all by myself, and in fact, that's usually been my favorite way to dance and brought me great joy. So I think I'll live my life as it is this very moment; appreciate what I have. And, I think I'll dance. All by myself. 
And there you have it. 

A to Z

I need to give myself a challenge, so I've decided to write a blog entry every day for the next 26. Why 26? Because that's how many letters made the alphabet. So should I start with A and go in an orderly fashion through Z? Should I go at it Z to A? Start in the middle and go each way?

I wish there were enough people who read my blog, so that I could take a vote and do what my adoring fans preferred most. Not really.

I just want to write every day, and since A is as good a place to start as any, here goes.

Attempt.

My son is making an attempt at starting a new life. One where he will need to hone some core skills. One where responsibility, humility, discretion, clarity, sincerity, and stints of consistent effort will need to be stitched together to regain (or establish) not only credibility, but a little bit of pride.

My daughter is making an attempt to sort out what it will be like to live with her father for the first time that she can remember in her whole life.

One of my good friends is making an attempt to ignore a moment she's been chasing for months, and finally had. Another dear friend is finally attempting to get her happiness back, even though that means doing her own version of letting go of a man she really thought was "it." Yet another is making a seven hundredth attempt at having the relationship she's always imagined with her on again, off again, co-depent cohort.

My beautiful boyfriend is making an attempt to get in shape again. He says he throws himself at working out when his life throws him curveballs, like divorces, break-ups or whatever troubles him, and he's been working out like crazy. Right now, I think he's also attempting to sort out whether the life he had imagined and crafted for himself (before me) was really the one he was meant to live after all. I hope he's also making an attempt to not only envision, but embrace a life with me. I wonder if he wonders as often as I do if his daughters' moving away opened a door for us, or closed one for him?

I'm attempting to to learn how support my friends in whatever it is they think is best for them. I'm also attempting to let go of my children enough to let them to soar in their new roles as mostly adult, while hanging on enough to save myself from a pity party over losing the two most important things in my life...who just happen to be people. People who are just beginning, while I am struggling with something that feels like an ending. You know, I think I'm making an attempt to let go of attachment in general. Maybe I should have written about attachment, since that seems like the real theme in this post.

And there you have it!