U is for umbrageous.
In my last post I was fired up and seriously considering calling time on the game of love. I was umbrageous at some of the actions and attitudes coming from someone I was set to marry in just a couple months. Incensed, indignant, outraged, unhappy, warped and wounded. All this brought on by realizing that what was so natural and remarkable in the beginning (holding hands, laughing, sharing, dreaming, planning, cuddling, laughing, cooperating) had nearly vanished, replaced by selfishness, sadness and growing resentment.
After my internet rampage (to noone) I sat with it for a while, then decided to express ALL of my concerns to the only one who could do anything about them - other than myself. He listened as I recounted the things that led me to this dark and shady place. (Funny how the word umbrageous covers both bases, shady and hurt!) I told him it was really hard for me to consider us part of the same team, much less feel hopeful about our chances of making it to playoffs. I told him I'd pretty much lost faith in our once shared dream of living the best and last love of our lives together because it seemed he'd checked out on his responsibility to make up half of our team. I cried - a lot. He said he did not want to check out and would have to make some changes because he had never meant to hurt me, but realized he had.
The great news is that his attitudes and actions of late have reminded me of the reasons I was originally so hopeful for my chances of finally winning in the game of love with this man! I hope that all we discussed will remain in the forefront of both our hearts and minds, and guide our thoughts and actions moving forward.
And there you have it.
T is for time.
Time to count my blessings. I am employed, safe, sane (mostly), healthy, have a nice home, gorgeous, healthy children, wonderful siblings, a true guru and spiritual path, quite a few God given talents, a generally good spirit and the world's best mom.
The reason I'm given to counting my blessings at this moment in time, is that I am also deeply troubled. Tonight, sadly, I'm afraid time is running out for my dreams of the best and last love to be pronounced next January 4th in a touching ceremony on the beach. The amount of time I'm willing to put into a dream that is rather apparently not shared is, I'm afraid, coming to an end. I have given this love my time, patience, understanding, tears, sincere effort, consideration, passion, accommodation and my whole heart. I don't feel like I want to (or can or should) give more.
I've been accused of wanting an unrealistic ideal, reaching too high, asking too much, being stronger than others when it comes to will. If that's really the case, then I guess I'll have to learn that the hard way. Maybe it's only in the letting go (again) that I can be true to my own ideals and values. Maybe, as I've suspected in the past, I'm just not meant to be paired with a man this lifetime. Maybe I'm the best me when I'm alone in a vast space, allowed to shine as bright as I am able, with no obstacles to cloud or obscure my light.
I had high hopes for this love. Either I invented the special bond I feel in my head and/or heart, based on moments of spectacular joyous connection, or it was really there, but only in rare moments that I translated as applicable to a lifetime. I can't claim I didn't see the signs of an impenetrable barrier to the connection I so desire rear their ugly heads time and time again. I don't really know how or why I looked the other way, or deluded myself into believing I could somehow uproot them for good, if only I loved purely enough.
I'm reminded of the nut you just can't crack. You know there is a delicious center, with just the right mix of meat, salt, substance - sustenance inside, but no matter how patient you are, what tools you employ, or the amount of will and effort you exert, you can't get in! The only thing to do at that moment is throw it back, throw it away, put it aside temporarily, give up...or CRUSH it with a hammer due to your frustration.
That is pretty much how I felt tonight. So, either it's time to turn over the hourglass, or just leave the sands where they lie and face the fact that time has run out on this love.
And there you have it!
