U is for umbrageous.
In my last post I was fired up and seriously considering calling time on the game of love. I was umbrageous at some of the actions and attitudes coming from someone I was set to marry in just a couple months. Incensed, indignant, outraged, unhappy, warped and wounded. All this brought on by realizing that what was so natural and remarkable in the beginning (holding hands, laughing, sharing, dreaming, planning, cuddling, laughing, cooperating) had nearly vanished, replaced by selfishness, sadness and growing resentment.
After my internet rampage (to noone) I sat with it for a while, then decided to express ALL of my concerns to the only one who could do anything about them - other than myself. He listened as I recounted the things that led me to this dark and shady place. (Funny how the word umbrageous covers both bases, shady and hurt!) I told him it was really hard for me to consider us part of the same team, much less feel hopeful about our chances of making it to playoffs. I told him I'd pretty much lost faith in our once shared dream of living the best and last love of our lives together because it seemed he'd checked out on his responsibility to make up half of our team. I cried - a lot. He said he did not want to check out and would have to make some changes because he had never meant to hurt me, but realized he had.
The great news is that his attitudes and actions of late have reminded me of the reasons I was originally so hopeful for my chances of finally winning in the game of love with this man! I hope that all we discussed will remain in the forefront of both our hearts and minds, and guide our thoughts and actions moving forward.
And there you have it.
C is for Communication, the word of the day. My first communication attempt today seemed to have failed miserably, but turned out to spark some much better attempts later in the day.
I had an unpleasant exchange with my love and future husband just before going in to the office this morning. We have been having a tough time of late in the communication department as we transition to togetherness and partnership living under one roof. After being separate and set in our independent ways, we're having to learn the art of communication and compromise.
So, when I got off the phone with him and walked into work, I have to admit I was fighting tears. They were tears of frustration and fear. I said I'd find a pocket for my feelings and put them there out of mind so I could work and I actually did just that. I decided to channel my sidelined frustration into concentration. I was a little surprised that I got so much accomplished.
Just as I was feeling great about my contribution for the day, a co-worker and I touched base via the chat system on our desktops. I began to relay all the progress I'd made on our shared project. She started to point out all the ways she perceived I had misstepped, not acknowledging my nearly complete to do list (or the fact that most things on it were supposed to have been on hers). Soon I found myself on the defensive and ready to spit textual daggers her way for insinuating that I was a dullard. Instead, I did what I had wished my fiancé had done earlier. I decided to hear (read) her out, validate her concern clearly, then wait to see if she had more to say before calmly suggesting we had likely gone the way of misunderstanding and frustration due to the inept venue for communication that is an instant message box! I reminded her we are on the same side and should strive to support and uplift one another when the going gets tough rather than accuse and belittle. She agreed, and to top it off, called to apologize for her frustration and having taken it out on me!
I shared this with my love when I got home and we both acknowledged where we'd gone wrong earlier and made an agreement to redouble our efforts to communicate more effectively (and compassionately) moving forward. It felt like I'd just discovered something key to my happiness. And that is that when fear or ego take over, all good sense goes out the window and humans revert to reaction, anger and defense mechanisms that have never worked and never will. But it wasn't a discovery, it was more of what I have coined a repiphany.
I'll have to elaborate on that one when I get to R!
And there you have it!
