Retirement?

My mom lists her "occupation" on Facebook as "Happily Retired"! I believe she is representing her occupation accurately. She worked harder than one should have to for many years and since she decided to retire she has never looked back. I am not sure I can say the same. 

Some people, like my husband, start looking toward and planning for their retirement from the start of their career. I think individuals whose professions offer a guaranteed percentage of their wages after X number of years are conditioned to keep their eye on that defined prize, counting the days until they are FREE! 

For me that was not the case. My career path has been winding and varied, with much of it spent as an entrepreneur. As a creative marketing and design professional I always made enough to get by – whether drumming up my own business or freelancing/contracting for others, but didn't often save and certainly didn't have a 401k match or pension plan adding up. I finally realized I'd better have more of a plan in place somewhere in my late 30's, early 40's.

After marrying my husband and having "our" retirement become more of a topic, we loosely decided I'd retire about one year after he did, which would have been about September of 2020. Instead of that being the way things went down, I found myself unemployed as of July 2019, with severance to carry me through November 2019, just before everyone else's employment changed or halted due to the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Here I am, almost a year later, in this weird, limbo, unemployed state that I can't seem to call "Happily Retired". I've been forced to look at how much of my feeling of self worth came from my job; from earning money and getting praise for a job well done. I like to have objectives laid out before me and a plan to reach them. I like to finish things so I can check that box. Or so I thought! 

I don't feel like I checked the retirement box. I feel like I was pushed out the door, definitely NOT on my own terms. Nothing like how my husband left his job after 30+ years with fanfare and celebration.

I'm looking for what's next for me and I want it to be something I cannot WAIT to work on every day. And I want it to make a positive impact on a soul level for as many people as possible — to offer insight, peace, light, and inspiration to a world that is weary of conflict, polarization, separation and uncertainty. Could you use any of that?

Then I thought...What if I Yoga? 

And there you have it.

W is for Wedding

Two years ago today, at around this time, I stood on the beach in Tortola, BVI, and married Shawn Grant Polly. The wedding was conducted in the sand on a stretch of private beach. We stood looking at a ridiculously aqua-hued Caribbean sea through a lovely arch decorated with local flora and some flowers sent by my family. We listened to a lovely island native conduct the ceremony and made our promises with only my oldest friend and her greatest love looking on. I can't think of a nicer place to marry. Since we'd both married in more traditional ways in the past, it was like a dream to go this route. It's hard to believe two years have passed since that moment, and I want to do it all over again when we reach our 5 year anniversary. Weddings have not meant forever for either of us in the past, but this time around we vowed to be each others best and last. I strongly feel that for that to be the case, we need to be mutually focused on something greater than either of us. A shared interest, a goal. So, what if that renewal were to be followed by a return to our own home, right there on the island where our life together began? Maybe that will be something we can reach for, and achieve, as a result of our mutual will...working together. And maybe that shared goal will strengthen us over the next three years. 
And there you have it.

V is for Vacation

Its been quite some time since I had anything like a real vacation. But the last one checked every box I have for what makes a vacation spectacular. Family, friends, gorgeous location, great food, views, celebration, relaxation, fitness, drinks, love, fun, laughter. Everyone who made it to that gorgeous house at Lake Sidney Lanier in June of 2013 is still longing to be back or to have another vacation as perfect as that was!

As I look at trying to create something that fantastic, it seems the only way to surely achieve it is to have as many of the same people along as possible. Logistics for that are a little tough though. The reason so many from our large family and body of good friends made the trip was to celebrate an amazing young man who'd just graduated the Air Force Academy and was slated to marry his lovely young bride!

Zarautz, Spain from fjalonso

I've been fortunate to have taken many a great vacation. Probably more than some folks ever do, and far less than others. I've been to several locations in Mexico, many of the United States, Canada, France, England, Spain, a few of the Virgin Islands (including British), Turks and Caicos...so where should my next destination be? 

I have longed to return to Spain ever since I left in 2004! I seriously cannot believe it's been 10 years! This time I would like to see the north west regions including Zarautz, San Sebastian and the like. Maybe I could start in the south of France (which I've yet to see) and then on down to Spain from there.

What's changed since most of my vacation travel is my marital status. The next trip will be with my husband of nearly two years now, as we've agreed that major vacations will be taken together. I like that idea, but it changes things quite a bit, since we are two polar opposite personalities when it comes to travel. I love people, conversation, airports, and adventure. I am okay with not much of a plan and like to see new places and things...letting things unfold as they will. My husband is introverted and struggles being around hoards of strangers. He needs a plan, a schedule, tends to revisit the familiar and is not comfortable just going with what comes along.

He seems on board in a big way with the idea of travel to Zarautz, and I think he'll feel he's been there with all the Google Street View stalking he's been doing. I'd like to put it on the books now, even if we don't make it there until next fall. I may just do that!

And there you have it!

Umbrageous

U is for umbrageous.

In my last post I was fired up and seriously considering calling time on the game of love. I was umbrageous at some of the actions and attitudes coming from someone I was set to marry in just a couple months. Incensed, indignant, outraged, unhappy, warped and wounded. All this brought on by realizing that what was so natural and remarkable in the beginning (holding hands, laughing, sharing, dreaming, planning, cuddling, laughing, cooperating) had nearly vanished, replaced by selfishness, sadness and growing resentment. 

After my internet rampage (to noone) I sat with it for a while, then decided to express ALL of my concerns to the only one who could do anything about them - other than myself. He listened as I recounted the things that led me to this dark and shady place. (Funny how the word umbrageous covers both bases, shady and hurt!) I told him it was really hard for me to consider us part of the same team, much less feel hopeful about our chances of making it to playoffs. I told him I'd pretty much lost faith in  our once shared dream of living the best and last love of our lives together because it seemed he'd checked out on his responsibility to make up half of our team. I cried - a lot. He said he did not want to check out and would have to make some changes because he had never meant to hurt me, but realized he had.

The great news is that his attitudes and actions of late have reminded me of the reasons I was originally so hopeful for my chances of finally winning in the game of love with this man! I hope that all we discussed will remain in the forefront of both our hearts and minds, and guide our thoughts and actions moving forward.

And there you have it.

Time's Running Out

T is for time. 

Time to count my blessings. I am employed, safe, sane (mostly), healthy, have a nice home, gorgeous, healthy children, wonderful siblings, a true guru and spiritual path, quite a few God given talents, a generally good spirit and the world's best mom.

The reason I'm given to counting my blessings at this moment in time, is that I am also deeply troubled. Tonight, sadly, I'm afraid time is running out for my dreams of the best and last love to be pronounced next January 4th in a touching ceremony on the beach. The amount of time I'm willing to put into a dream that is rather apparently not shared is, I'm afraid, coming to an end. I have given this love my time, patience, understanding, tears, sincere effort, consideration, passion, accommodation and my whole heart. I don't feel like I want to (or can or should) give more. 

I've been accused of wanting an unrealistic ideal, reaching too high, asking too much, being stronger than others when it comes to will. If that's really the case, then I guess I'll have to learn that the hard way. Maybe it's only in the letting go (again) that I can be true to my own ideals and values. Maybe, as I've suspected in the past, I'm just not meant to be paired with a man this lifetime. Maybe I'm the best me when I'm alone in a vast space, allowed to shine as bright as I am able, with no obstacles to cloud or obscure my light. 

I had high hopes for this love. Either I invented the special bond I feel in my head and/or heart, based on moments of spectacular joyous connection, or it was really there, but only in rare moments that I translated as applicable to a lifetime. I can't claim I didn't see the signs of an impenetrable barrier to the connection I so desire rear their ugly heads time and time again. I don't really know how or why I looked the other way, or deluded myself into believing I could somehow uproot them for good, if only I loved purely enough.

I'm reminded of the nut you just can't crack. You know there is a delicious center, with just the right mix of meat, salt, substance - sustenance inside, but no matter how patient you are, what tools you employ, or the amount of will and effort you exert, you can't get in! The only thing to do at that moment is throw it back, throw it away, put it aside temporarily, give up...or CRUSH it with a hammer due to your frustration.

That is pretty much how I felt tonight. So, either it's time to turn over the hourglass, or just leave the sands where they lie and face the fact that time has run out on this love.

And there you have it!

Sore All Over!

S is for sore! 

Sore is me. Not the good kind, where you know you did a fair workout. The kind where every time you have to get from sitting to standing or vice-versa, you limp and cringe like a MUCH older woman! 

I give all the credit (blame?) for my current state to whomever the lady was that taught the CSI class Tuesday morning. She was all smooth, flowing, in charge. Had good music playing. I didn't even think it was that tough of a workout. Until this morning! 

Photo from eHow

It's my calves that took the biggest beating, I think. But that's not what my thighs, ass or abdomen would say, I'm sure. I may need a massage to recover!

Wanna know the weirdest part? I like that the workout was so well rounded and effective. So when I'm done licking my wounds, I'm going to go find her, and inflict her particular brand of torture on myself again. 

And there you have it!

Respect

Borrowed from http://acelebrationofwomen.org

R is for respect.

All I'm asking... is for a little respect, just a little bit, hey baby, just a little bit. Is it too much to ask?

They say you can't demand it, you have to earn it. So, what if you feel you have earned it, yet still, on many occasions, just don't seem to get it? Rodney Dangerfield knew all about that I guess. Was he onto something when he just made fun of it, laughed it off, turned it into a grammy winning album? Probably so.

I can't seem to get there from here right now. I think I'm actually stewing. I KNOW I'm stewing.

I'm into the Oxford English Dictionary. My mom got me the full unabridged version for my college graduation, so I whipped it out to see if I'm stewing over the right thing. Here's what they have to say:

1 [mass noun] a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements
2due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others:

So, here's my issue. I want to feel like the people who are closest to me have due regard for my feelings, wishes, rights. However, my significant other is not giving me that impression at the moment. 

I don't think he has the same regard for the Oxford English Dictionary that I do, so I went elsewhere to try to find what his definition of respect might be, because I'd hate to think he knows full well he is being disrespectful by my definition and yet, chooses to do it anyway. So, I found this in the Urban Dictionary. I'm sure there's no one on the planet who's not heard of it, but to clarify, it's a place where individuals can submit their own definitions and moderators (and users) give these self crafted meanings the thumbs up or down. Literally. I take this straight from their pages, so all credit goes to whomever wrote this:

Respect

908 up, 177 down

It means valuing each others points of views. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are. It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day. It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable. It means not dissing people because they're different to you. It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies. We are lacking respect for each other.

Well, I guess by this definition I could be accused of not accepting people as they are and dissing people due to being different than I. Technically, I suppose I'm gossiping here, but I am NOT spreading a lie.

I believe it is true that cleanliness is next to Godliness and that sloth is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. I think one should practice good hygiene, not only to be closer to God, but to do their part to be presentable (even desirable) to their mate! I can't find any excuse for being so lazy you can't even shower when you're off for several days in a row. Especially when someone you love has already requested, suggested and even BRIBED you to mix in a shower once in a while. 

I do try to value other points of view, and I've shrugged off many a day where a shower and shave just weren't a top priority, but I don't think it's polite and kind to know what would make a loved one happy and just opt not to do it. I think it shows a serious lack of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. 

And there you have it!