I Forgot My ABCs

I hatched a plot to try to spur myself on to writing my blog daily. I was going to pick a word each day that began with consecutive letters in the alphabet. I only made it to A. What does that say about me?
Rather than dwell on that, I've decided to write about how I feel today. I feel lonely. Yes, I know that sounds somewhat pathetic - even to me. But, as if that makes things any better, I have reasons to feel that way.

1. I'm in a huge house all by myself.
2. My baby daughter moved away just a couple of weeks ago.
3. My first born son also moved away just before that.
4. My mom was visiting for two glorious weeks and I just dropped her at the airport.
5. The man I love, who could be here with me if he wanted to, is at his house, with his stuff, doing his thing.

(As much as that last one frustrates me sometimes, I wonder what it might be like if I felt more inclined toward solitude. Then my current situation might not seem so undesirable. I might be basking in the glory of entertaining only the most selfish whims.)
Anyway, feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time. So is wishing things were other than as they are. I always find my way back to the notion that there is some Master Plan and that "obstacles" just may be opportunities in clever disguise.
I heard two country songs on my way home from the airport tonight. One was about living like you were dying (being kinder, loving more openly, taking risks, appreciating everything), and the other was urging one to see the good in things and when given the chance to sit it out or dance, to dance. I've always wondered why it is people appreciate things most when they've lost them...why not when it matters most, while they still have them? And, I've never minded dancing all by myself, and in fact, that's usually been my favorite way to dance and brought me great joy. So I think I'll live my life as it is this very moment; appreciate what I have. And, I think I'll dance. All by myself. 
And there you have it. 

A to Z

I need to give myself a challenge, so I've decided to write a blog entry every day for the next 26. Why 26? Because that's how many letters made the alphabet. So should I start with A and go in an orderly fashion through Z? Should I go at it Z to A? Start in the middle and go each way?

I wish there were enough people who read my blog, so that I could take a vote and do what my adoring fans preferred most. Not really.

I just want to write every day, and since A is as good a place to start as any, here goes.

Attempt.

My son is making an attempt at starting a new life. One where he will need to hone some core skills. One where responsibility, humility, discretion, clarity, sincerity, and stints of consistent effort will need to be stitched together to regain (or establish) not only credibility, but a little bit of pride.

My daughter is making an attempt to sort out what it will be like to live with her father for the first time that she can remember in her whole life.

One of my good friends is making an attempt to ignore a moment she's been chasing for months, and finally had. Another dear friend is finally attempting to get her happiness back, even though that means doing her own version of letting go of a man she really thought was "it." Yet another is making a seven hundredth attempt at having the relationship she's always imagined with her on again, off again, co-depent cohort.

My beautiful boyfriend is making an attempt to get in shape again. He says he throws himself at working out when his life throws him curveballs, like divorces, break-ups or whatever troubles him, and he's been working out like crazy. Right now, I think he's also attempting to sort out whether the life he had imagined and crafted for himself (before me) was really the one he was meant to live after all. I hope he's also making an attempt to not only envision, but embrace a life with me. I wonder if he wonders as often as I do if his daughters' moving away opened a door for us, or closed one for him?

I'm attempting to to learn how support my friends in whatever it is they think is best for them. I'm also attempting to let go of my children enough to let them to soar in their new roles as mostly adult, while hanging on enough to save myself from a pity party over losing the two most important things in my life...who just happen to be people. People who are just beginning, while I am struggling with something that feels like an ending. You know, I think I'm making an attempt to let go of attachment in general. Maybe I should have written about attachment, since that seems like the real theme in this post.

And there you have it!

Writing Novels

My last post indicated that I may be setting sail on my novel writing endeavor. That did not work out. I'm sorry to report that news, and even sorrier that I have yet to get anywhere with writing the darned things.

Here's the truth. I do not know how to get off my ass and out of my own way! Why?

And there you have it.

Love at Last

Okay. Thank you heavens! For the first time since 1987, Valentine's Day is living up to its fabled reputation.

I Can Do It at Sea

I believe life is pointing me (more urgently than ever) toward actually embarking on the adventure of writing novels.

It's been my waking dream for ages, and it appears the planets (and my wonderful mother and true love) are aligning to support me in taking steps to see it come true. If it's meant to be, very soon I will be facing my own fears and self doubt, somehow getting out of my own way, and putting it all together on the "I Can Do It at Sea" Hay House Writer's Workshop.

I have had ideas for two or three books for some time now, and have taken some of the steps toward making them a reality, including the worthy pursuit of a degree in English, but I have lacked the courage, discipline, practical industry knowledge and contacts to take them from idea to actual print on pages. It feels like recent events are indicating that the time is now.

So, I humbly asked for Divine guidance and made God and myself a promise to align my will and determination with His/Her blessing for the project(s). If it is meant to be, I will soon set sail toward my dream destination of being a published author. I pray I will be divinely inspired to properly interpret and convey an important message in an engaging and entertaining manner. If it goes a step further and invokes a conscious raising thought and maybe even change some lives for the better, then the blessing will be even greater.

I'm so proud that I resisted the urge to turn a phrase and make a next chapter of my life pun. Oh wait, I guess I just did it anyway.

And there you have it.

Psycho Killers, Politicians and the Press

I cannot resist comment on the man who was able to buy a gun and shoot some twenty people at close range in broad daylight (one, apparently intentionally) in a paranoid, premeditated rampage.

The one he meant to kill is hanging on by a thread while everyone and their brother recounts what it all may end up meaning.

Six other human beings died and 14 more were directly injured. They all had families, life stories, and hearts and ambitions. How is it that we have to find reporters on EVERY one of the 1,000+ available television channels yammering on about which political party is more to blame? What about examining what we can and should do for these people? They will never be the same again.

I know, let's talk with other lawmakers and find out how they plan to protect themselves now. Let's take down our obvious gun sight cross-hair marks on maps, and erase our comments about how certain politicians who don't agree with our agendas are "dead to us" and act like we we wouldn't even have considered making veiled violent allusions. That will surely make all the families who have lost someone they love vote for the proper candidates in the next election, right?

Aaargh! No wonder I have taken such an apolitical stance my whole life.

I don't get it. I don't get people who can carry a gun and carry out a murder (especially of innocent bystanders). I don't get politicians who will say whatever works for the moment and then hold other politicians' feet to the fire for doing the same thing.

How does anyone subscribe to or defend such inscrutable actions? The gunman, the press, the politicians, and then, in a herd mentality, the general public. Everyone rides the wave without looking at what's really wrong with the whole picture. I'm not playing.

And there you have it.

State of the Unions

Why is it that a New Year brings people to promise to do things they've to date been unable or unwilling to do? Or not to do things, that to date, they have somehow experienced a fairly easy gravitational pull to do, over and over again?

What is it about the calendar turning over that makes people hopeful again that this next year is going to be different from the others? And then, why is it when we look back at the end of the next year, it turns out we never changed much at all?

I can hear a thousand answers, most of them from the recesses of my own mind.

I cannot speak for a single other individual, but what makes this year different for me is the state of the unions. The union between me and God, me and my children, me and my relationship to employment, me and my health, me and money, and me and the love in my life. Last year changed all those unions and, for me, that makes me certain this year will be different from any other.

I don't want to make any big promises or resolutions this year because for once, I seem to be taking most of this change in good stride. I'm enjoying living at my own pace, trusting my gut, holding my own, listening to my intuition, and loving like I choose to.

It feels scary and good all at the same time to be where I am today. I know many new, even transformational, things lie ahead; it's just that I don't pretend to know what they all are or when or how they will unfold.

I'm having to trust in a way I haven't in a long time. I'm putting my faith in God and all the things The Divine has in store for me. I'm also putting faith into the promises my heart made from the cliff before I dove last August.

The outlook for the State of the Unions in 2011 looks good.

And there you have it.