Different Christmas

There are only 8 days until Christmas and there is something magically different about it this year.

There are the usual hoards of people at the mall (or frantically speeding to get there while cursing the others out there doing the same thing) searching for gifts they may or may not want to give, and likely can't really afford. The recipients of these gifts don't need (or even really want) most of what they'll get. Even the best gifts probably won't hold their recipient's interest for very long despite the fact they've said, "If I get that for Christmas, I'll be the happiest person on this earth."

I've been on both ends of this, some years more-so than others. I have had years where I lavished expensive gifts on everyone I knew after shopping for days and days to find just the right things for each person on my long list. I was sure to wrap them in the best paper with the perfectly formed cloth ribbon bow. I bet most of those gifts are long forgotten, and that doesn't even matter. I've also had the years where I had no idea where I would get the money to make my children's Christmas wishes come true in even the smallest way (kind of like this year).

But, when I reminisce about the best Christmas' ever, the ones that first come to mind are those of my childhood when all my brothers and sisters would gather around and watch as we all opened the same thing... this year's winter pajamas! We got them every year, they weren't even in a box, usually just cheap paper tied with that plastic ribbed ribbon that curled with a scissor. To this day I love a new set of winter jammies for how they make me feel inside.

A few weeks ago, I almost let myself feel badly for not having the money to go Christmas Crazy due to my unemployed state, but I stopped and noticed that I am probably as peaceful and happy inside as I have ever been.

This Christmas season I find myself extremely grateful for the few months my unexpected break in employment have given me to enjoy my time, my home, my family, and my love.

I cherish the fact that I picked out the tree with someone I deeply love. I marvel at God's wonder in creating such a beautiful thing. I enjoyed a precious, uninterrupted, two hours alone with my beautiful daughter as we adorned it to perfection. We've yet to place a single gift beneath the tree and yet, I am full of joy and feel abundantly blessed.

It's been said before, but try to feel it from the heart this year and have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

And there you have it.

Thanks

We're approaching what has always been my favorite holiday. Thanksgiving. I want to put down all the things I can think of for which I am thankful. It's been a rough few months here in a number of ways, but I love that my heart can still feel gratitude for all the ways I am blessed in this life. Here they are in no particular order.

1. I have presence of mind, a healthy constitution, and a spiritual connection that gives me faith that I am just where I was meant to be... even if I don't understand the big picture.
2. My mother is alive, awake, alert, joyous and enthusiastic about life (at 80!) and is coming to stay with me for the holiday, as she has for several years in a row. I want to soak up her awesome spirit and pour love and gratitude on her while she's here.
3. My son, Bryce Gregory Slatic, whom I love with all my heart and am grateful to see looking and sounding like he's ready to turn a corner toward a bright future.
4. The immense love I feel growing in my heart for the man in my life. What a gift it is to feel loved just as I am, and a joy to be able to love him in that way. A full and rich experience of loving another. Thank you sweetheart.
5. My safe and comfortable abode.
6. My lovely Leah who has brought me so many joys over the years with her determination, humor, generally good nature and passion for so many things. I love you Shashi!
7. My large and amazing family. I could never ask for more loving, awesome, supporting, hilarious siblings.
8. My core group of friends who have been with me for so many years. You know who you are and have all given me so much. Thank you for all the richness you've added to my life.
9. SRF - finding this path has made all the difference in my life. I am grateful for Paramahansa Yogananda taking the time to put out so many inspirational and transformational writings that inspire and enable us to attune our lives with Divine Wisdom.
10. Humor
11. Art
12. Flowers
13. Sunsets (and rises)
14. Waves
15. Music
16. Dance
17. Intuition
18. Good Writing
19. My education at UCI
20. Humility
21. Grace

I'm sure there are so many more things for which I am thankful that I didn't manage to list, but I got a good start. I really feel it raises one's consciousness to count their blessings. I encourage everyone to try it, not just at Thanksgiving, but any time of year.

And there you have it!

Black, White and True

I had a therapy session once with a lady I had not hired, and didn't initially like all that much. I had my reasons. I'm glad I didn't let that stop me from hearing her on this one key point that I've returned to time and again for balance in my relationships.

She told me about the three of us, all living inside of me. Catherine Black, Catherine White and Catherine True.

If it's not obvious enough, two of the three would take involuntary turns seeming completely justified to the ego while the one who lived where love, peace and true partnership could be found, couldn't be found anywhere.

Perhaps the 13th century poet Rumi could foresee that destination when he wrote:

"Out beyond rightdoing and wrongdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there."

I'm just now starting to experience the joy of long walks in that field. I'm grateful to friends, family, books, dreams, experiences great and tragic ... and God for the opportunity.

And there you have it.

Accidents?

Last Friday I went down to Newport Beach to enjoy a little break from my job search, some nice weather, and much needed exercise. When it was all over, I felt recharged and happily headed for home ready to conquer anything. In the next instant I was unfortunately rear-ended by a Dodge Ram 1500 while at a full stop to yield an emergency vehicle. I was in my Honda Accord. The Ram won. The impact made such a loud sound that I wasn't exactly sure right away what had happened. It sent items flying from my front console to the back seat and introduced my knees to the under side of my dashboard. While still stunned, I managed to discern that I should pull out of the intersection and into a nearby parking lot, so I did. The driver of the truck soon followed.

He actually asked me why I had stopped for the emergency vehicle, but not until after he called his daddy who arrived just a few short minutes later. After reminding him that it was he who hit me, we (me and the driver of the Ram) exchanged information. The police man who had been parked in his vehicle in the gas station next door told us we didn't need a police report, so we didn't file one.

Later, I made a trip to the Emergency Room, and I'm glad I did. Now I'm home, suffering from some of the most extreme back pain I have ever experienced and hoping it is all very temporary. I have a follow-up appointment with my doctor this afternoon to determine the next course of action to take toward recovery.

I wonder what it all means. These last few months have been very out of the ordinary - and in so many ways. All areas of life seem to be affected (work, home, family, romantic relations, friendships, etc.) I sometimes wish I could pull the lens back and get a glimpse at the bigger picture to better understand the workings of the world and my particular role in the unfolding drama(s).

Sometimes I get little urgings, intuitive insights, moments of inspiration and they seem like glimpses at the bigger picture, little gifts from God. I pray that I will be able to tune into those more and more as my life progresses, so that I do what is best suited to my purpose on this planet this time around.

Right now, I am fighting off the feeling of purposelessness. I feel stalled in my professional life and limited in my physical ability.

In turn, I am really grateful for the love in my life and wonder if all this other stuff happened to allow love to blossom during a time where I am free to truly embrace and appreciate it.

I will focus on healing and remain open to the next chapter in my professional life coming into focus here soon. God has always blessed and protected me, now is no different. It could have been so much worse in so many ways. I will remain confident that I am just where I belong and do my part to the best of my ability on all fronts. I get knocked down, but I get up again...and again.

And there you have it.

Commitment and Pride

I helped a little girl who means a lot to me study for a spelling test last week. I fancy myself a pretty good speller, so I harkened back to my youth and the tricks I remembered using to get tough words right, and attempted to share my secrets to spelling success. It seemed simple enough. There were only 8 words or so. Little did I know I'd be learning, or re-learning something so valuable.

I first asked her to write the words down several times... so she could both see how the words looked on the page when written out correctly, and tie an action to the mental practice of memorization. Then I asked her to study the words, think about what each word meant, use mental tricks that meant something to her if need be, and get prepared because I would soon administer a test.

Inside of two minutes, she said, "Okay, I studied them, I'm ready." Incredulous that she could have really done so in any conscientious way in that amount of time, I asked if she was sure. She said yes, so I gave her the test. She failed.

I then suggested she spend a little more time, at the table, redoubling her efforts to absorb the words, their meaning, and their spelling ... for at least 10-15 minutes, then turn over the page, and without looking back, try to again write each of the words, spelled correctly, from memory. She was tired of the lesson and began to sulk at having to go through the whole exercise on vacation! Her father did an excellent job of stepping in to remind her that the whole exercise was to her benefit. That were she to take pride in her efforts and perform the mental and physical exercise of her brain to be able to accomplish the task at hand, to the absolute best of her ability, that in itself would be it's own reward. And she may also be able to bask in the glow of a perfect score on the test, or at least be sure that even if she missed one, she had made an honest effort.

That led me to the point I want to make today about true commitment to anything. How is it that so many people, myself included, have put in half-assed effort in some area of life, then wondered how they didn't come out on top? It probably starts in elementary school, then goes on from there to high school, college, work, family ... even our chosen relationships with friends or lovers. We somehow hone an ability to do as little as possible to get by - and will even brag about it - then, when we fail a class, lose a job, or end up divorced, and usually have no one to blame but ourselves, what do we do? Blame the stupid teacher, micro-managing boss, or psycho ex! If they weren't so ridiculous, we would have done better, right?

Wrong. At least in most cases, I think you reap what you sow. Humor me. Be honest with yourself and think back to a time when you've made an honest effort, with true commitment to the best possible outcome, and taken personal pride in doing everything you can to accomplish a goal or task, how often has it been a total failure? I'd say, not very often. Even if things didn't go as well as you had intended, but you're sure you did all you could, you get something. It's when we lie to ourselves (and believe it), make excuses and lack accountability that we truly fail, but the one we fail most is ourselves. I know, I've done it too often.

I've also set hard goals in education and business and reached them through determination, accountability and personal pride in a job well done. My guess is that we humans have all gone both ways, slacked and really applied ourselves.

This has served as a gentle reminder to me embrace the concept and practice of true commitment more than ever. To take genuine pride in all I do. Not just in education and business, but also in my most important relationships. I want to pull out the stops and show up as never before. I'd better go read my post on doubts and fears so those blinders don't try to stop me.

And there you have it.

Everything's Coming up Wildflowers

Once upon a time there was a young girl, apparently born into the wrong family. The right family would have been more predictable, more reliable, more... together. They would have lived in the right kind of house with enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own. The house would have had a properly manicured lawn, and a walkway lined with brightly colored flowers in matching pots. Every weekday evening, at about the same time, the handsome husband would have pulled into his space in the tidy garage and been greeted by his wife - the woman he had loved since he first laid eyes on her some 30 or more years ago. This father would have loved his wife and children completely and would never even have considered doing them any wrong or leaving. The mother, who loved him the same way, secretly thanked God every day for him being so caring and dependable. They would have given their children just the right amount of love and discipline and been great individual examples of what it meant to be masculine and feminine and in love. In perfect and harmonious concert they would have modeled a mature, loving and respectful relationship between a man and a woman. This little girl was sure that kind of family would have been right.

Instead, that family was left. Left to learn that life wasn't always going to be predictable. Left to figure out how to live together, even with what often seemed were too many people, with too little money. Left without a father figure of any sort, much less the ideal. Left without a mom who was free to pack lunches, bake cookies, make perfect dinners at the same time each evening, and still find time to do all the laundry, keep the house just the way it should be kept and tend the flower pots that lined the ideal walkway to the front door.

Instead, this young girl and her five siblings were shown how to work the washer and dryer as soon as they could reach them and learned to feed themselves from what was available in the cupboards or fridge - both of which looked like they could use to be cleaned out and organized a bit more often. They were shown that a mom left to raise six kids alone would need them to become able to fend for themselves sooner than later.

It was probably no accident that the upper cupboards of their less-than-perfect house were lined with clippings that urged "Expect a miracle," "Be the change you want to see in this world," "Nobody can make you unhappy without your permission," "To succeed, you must first be willing to fail," and many others. There were also quotes on magnets that read, "A good memory is one that can remember the day's blessings and forget the day's troubles", "The only way to have a good friend is to be a good friend", "If you love someone, hurry up and show it" and a favorite, the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Taking that refrigerator magnet wisdom to heart and turning often to this prayer, the young girl ultimately learned she was much like the strong, beautifully persistent wildflowers that pressed up out of the overgrown lawn or cracks in the sidewalk leading up to her less-than-perfect childhood home. She wasn't like a potted flower that needed certain reliable conditions to bloom and would soon be out of season. She could handle unpredictable aspects of life and weather all kinds of storms. She had had a strong woman as her model because that was what she was going to need to be. The lack of the preferred form in her family had actually been right for her all along.

And there you have it.

Doubts and Fears

Who authors our doubts and fears?

With neither being more pleasant than the other, and in most cases both turning out to have been unwarranted, why do so many bother entertaining either? If you Google the words "doubts and fears" you get nearly 4 million results. Everyone has something to say on how to overcome them. But Google wasn't around when the great minds in time first pondered the same.

Rene Descartes, dubbed "The Father of Modern Philosophy," made some astounding discoveries about the nature of doubt. In Meditation I: Concerning Those Things That Can Be Called into Doubt he wisely elects to suspend judgment about any of his beliefs which are even slightly doubtful. The first way that Descartes tries to undermine his beliefs is by considering the fact that he remembers that his senses have deceived him before. By Meditation II: Concerning The Nature of the Human Mind, he offers that we only have access to the world of our ideas, pointing out that ideas and the things they represent are separate from each other, and thus, it is possible for these ideas to constitute either accurate or false representations.

I had an idea, that I turned into some subconscious belief, that I might not be worthy of love, trust, acceptance and loyalty from a person of the opposite sex. It was a truly absurd belief to adopt when nothing would please me more than to be wrong.

But if I consider the notion of Representational Realism, I have an out, for it states that we do not (and cannot) perceive the external world as it really is; instead we know only our ideas and interpretations of the way the world is. If that can be considered true, then I have every reason to have adopted a false belief and to doubt something that may contradict it. Right?

Wrong. Today, I learned first hand that I must adopt Descartes' resolve to suspend judgement on things that leave room for even slight doubt. I let fear cause doubt in my love, and then experienced an unpleasant chain of emotional reaction to a false assumption. There was every reason to doubt my fears that the true love that had been professed for me was being retracted, yet I bought them because I digressed into the false belief that I had adopted without reason.

My true love set me straight. How refreshing to have a man willing to hear me, empathize with how I may have arrived at these false conclusions, and reassure me that his love had not wavered for one minute ... the whole episode of disappointment and pain was self inflicted due to fear. I am going to be more conscious about this epiphany the next time the monsters of doubt and fear rear their ugly heads.

And there you have it.

Focus

This blog began as a dare. I was told that there was nothing preventing me from having a forum to express my creativity, frustration, opinion, or musings, whenever I felt the urge to do so. So I created this space...then nearly never used it. Having had a couple of years to reflect on just why I've not been a more consistent publisher, I think the reason is lack of purpose or focus for the blog, and perhaps being immersed in work for which I am paid.

After consideration of whether this should be place to rant on whatever strikes me, or to establish a focus and thus, a following, I've decided this space is not about profession. It's about what I think about just about anything, a creative outlet for my feelings, observations and recurring epiphanies.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to consider creating another blog where all my posts are related to my specific area of expertise, being Marketing. There I will publish my take on what's hot, what's not, what works, what doesn't, emerging platforms and strategies, etc. This will allow me to build a portfolio of editorial that other publications may have interest in paying me to use.

So, look out for an announcement on where to find that blog, once I have a chance to get that up and running. Perhaps my next career opportunity will provide inspiration for professional content related to the healthcare marketing field. I've got a first phone interview with a potential employer today, and I'm excited to learn if I am a good match for them. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

And there you have it.

Happiness Inside Out

Too often, we sweat the circumstances, retell unpleasant tales, buy our own drama, get caught up in doing and forget the art of being...really being all we were created to be. I know when I do those things (somewhat more regularly than I care to admit) my energy fades, self doubt and negativity creep in, fears and self-inflicted limitations seem real and ominous. It's at those times, I must remind myself to turn inward and reject delusions imposed by the phenomenal world.

Anyway, I found this tidbit today and want to share it here with any (both) of the people who may read this infant blog. When I take the time to consciously incorporate these things into daily life, I feel enriched and transformed. Which begs the question, "Why would I ever stray from such an effective practice?" Anyway, here it is:

Pray

Meditate

Be Aware/Stay Awake

Bow

Practice Yoga

Feel

Chant and Sing

Breathe and Smile

Relax/Enjoy/Laugh/Play

Create/Envision

Let Go/Forgive/Accept

Walk/Exercise/Move

Work/Serve/Contribute

Listen/Learn/Enquire

Consider/Reflect

Cultivate Oneself/Enhance Competencies

Cultivate Contentment

Cultivate Flexibility

Cultivate Friendship and Collaboration

Lighten Up

Celebrate and Appreciate

Dream

Give Thanks

Evolve

Love

Share/Give/Receive

Walk Softly/Live Gently

Expand/Radiate/Dissolve

Simplify

Surrender/Trust

Be Born Anew

from Awakening The Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das

I really do believe we manifest the life we deserve by starting inside, cultivating divine love, peace, contentment, faith, understanding, gratitude. We can't expect to find all that outside ourselves and magically be happy, or successful, or loved. The world of matter will continually disappoint because it is filled with delusory sense pleasures offering limited and temporary satisfaction. I guess it serves as a constant reminder that happiness really is an inside job, and reinforces the importance of going inside daily - even if for only a few truly focused moments. That's my take anyway.

And there you have it.

Opportunities Knocking

It seems hard to believe that this blog hasn't seen an entry in two years. Yet again, it shouldn't surprise me too much as I've been under scrutiny and in almost constant defense mode for the last year. That doesn't lend itself to creativity or self expression.

I will spare the details of the cause of the decline in creative expression and go straight on to the positive transition(s) at hand.

I was freed from my obligation to report to work at IQAir daily as of last Monday (7/26/2010). While it was shocking and involuntary, the turn of events has led to introspection, improved morale, optimism, creativity, and an opportunity to reinvent the next phase of life for me. I like the idea that all things are possible now. What I like somewhat less is wondering when I might see another payday.

For now, I am going to work on faith, trust in divine right order and properly presenting the unique abilities I have developed over the years to open the door to my next professional opportunity. I will soon find a position where I make a positive creative contribution and am compensated generously to do that which I do best.

Alongside this professional crossroad, I find myself at a romantic crossroad, too. This past year has been a learning experience on the relationship front for sure! Again, I'll spare most of the details, but say only that I find myself in a really good place and more ready than ever to share my life with a true partner.

My soul has repeatedly cried out for a whole, sweet, sincere, spiritual, honest, intelligent, compassionate, complex, witty, affectionate, emotionally expressive and truly available man. That having been said, this last Thursday I had what I'd probably call the best first date of my life (and I've had more of those than I ever wanted to). I know I have the propensity to accentuate the positive almost to a fault, but the possibility of fruitful relating in this new muse is astounding. I'm excited to see how things naturally unfold, and affirm divine right order in this area of life as well.

I'll take what I've learned on accepting (even embracing) another for the qualities they uniquely present. I have grown to appreciate the beauty of being individual over these past few years. I believe I can use that growth to make the very best of this new opportunity to share in the creation of a relationship as I (we) have never known before. Who knows, but maybe our puzzles have found the missing piece. I have to go answer the doors...

And there you have it.