Umbrageous

U is for umbrageous.

In my last post I was fired up and seriously considering calling time on the game of love. I was umbrageous at some of the actions and attitudes coming from someone I was set to marry in just a couple months. Incensed, indignant, outraged, unhappy, warped and wounded. All this brought on by realizing that what was so natural and remarkable in the beginning (holding hands, laughing, sharing, dreaming, planning, cuddling, laughing, cooperating) had nearly vanished, replaced by selfishness, sadness and growing resentment. 

After my internet rampage (to noone) I sat with it for a while, then decided to express ALL of my concerns to the only one who could do anything about them - other than myself. He listened as I recounted the things that led me to this dark and shady place. (Funny how the word umbrageous covers both bases, shady and hurt!) I told him it was really hard for me to consider us part of the same team, much less feel hopeful about our chances of making it to playoffs. I told him I'd pretty much lost faith in  our once shared dream of living the best and last love of our lives together because it seemed he'd checked out on his responsibility to make up half of our team. I cried - a lot. He said he did not want to check out and would have to make some changes because he had never meant to hurt me, but realized he had.

The great news is that his attitudes and actions of late have reminded me of the reasons I was originally so hopeful for my chances of finally winning in the game of love with this man! I hope that all we discussed will remain in the forefront of both our hearts and minds, and guide our thoughts and actions moving forward.

And there you have it.

Time's Running Out

T is for time. 

Time to count my blessings. I am employed, safe, sane (mostly), healthy, have a nice home, gorgeous, healthy children, wonderful siblings, a true guru and spiritual path, quite a few God given talents, a generally good spirit and the world's best mom.

The reason I'm given to counting my blessings at this moment in time, is that I am also deeply troubled. Tonight, sadly, I'm afraid time is running out for my dreams of the best and last love to be pronounced next January 4th in a touching ceremony on the beach. The amount of time I'm willing to put into a dream that is rather apparently not shared is, I'm afraid, coming to an end. I have given this love my time, patience, understanding, tears, sincere effort, consideration, passion, accommodation and my whole heart. I don't feel like I want to (or can or should) give more. 

I've been accused of wanting an unrealistic ideal, reaching too high, asking too much, being stronger than others when it comes to will. If that's really the case, then I guess I'll have to learn that the hard way. Maybe it's only in the letting go (again) that I can be true to my own ideals and values. Maybe, as I've suspected in the past, I'm just not meant to be paired with a man this lifetime. Maybe I'm the best me when I'm alone in a vast space, allowed to shine as bright as I am able, with no obstacles to cloud or obscure my light. 

I had high hopes for this love. Either I invented the special bond I feel in my head and/or heart, based on moments of spectacular joyous connection, or it was really there, but only in rare moments that I translated as applicable to a lifetime. I can't claim I didn't see the signs of an impenetrable barrier to the connection I so desire rear their ugly heads time and time again. I don't really know how or why I looked the other way, or deluded myself into believing I could somehow uproot them for good, if only I loved purely enough.

I'm reminded of the nut you just can't crack. You know there is a delicious center, with just the right mix of meat, salt, substance - sustenance inside, but no matter how patient you are, what tools you employ, or the amount of will and effort you exert, you can't get in! The only thing to do at that moment is throw it back, throw it away, put it aside temporarily, give up...or CRUSH it with a hammer due to your frustration.

That is pretty much how I felt tonight. So, either it's time to turn over the hourglass, or just leave the sands where they lie and face the fact that time has run out on this love.

And there you have it!

Sore All Over!

S is for sore! 

Sore is me. Not the good kind, where you know you did a fair workout. The kind where every time you have to get from sitting to standing or vice-versa, you limp and cringe like a MUCH older woman! 

I give all the credit (blame?) for my current state to whomever the lady was that taught the CSI class Tuesday morning. She was all smooth, flowing, in charge. Had good music playing. I didn't even think it was that tough of a workout. Until this morning! 

Photo from eHow

It's my calves that took the biggest beating, I think. But that's not what my thighs, ass or abdomen would say, I'm sure. I may need a massage to recover!

Wanna know the weirdest part? I like that the workout was so well rounded and effective. So when I'm done licking my wounds, I'm going to go find her, and inflict her particular brand of torture on myself again. 

And there you have it!

Respect

Borrowed from http://acelebrationofwomen.org

R is for respect.

All I'm asking... is for a little respect, just a little bit, hey baby, just a little bit. Is it too much to ask?

They say you can't demand it, you have to earn it. So, what if you feel you have earned it, yet still, on many occasions, just don't seem to get it? Rodney Dangerfield knew all about that I guess. Was he onto something when he just made fun of it, laughed it off, turned it into a grammy winning album? Probably so.

I can't seem to get there from here right now. I think I'm actually stewing. I KNOW I'm stewing.

I'm into the Oxford English Dictionary. My mom got me the full unabridged version for my college graduation, so I whipped it out to see if I'm stewing over the right thing. Here's what they have to say:

1 [mass noun] a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements
2due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others:

So, here's my issue. I want to feel like the people who are closest to me have due regard for my feelings, wishes, rights. However, my significant other is not giving me that impression at the moment. 

I don't think he has the same regard for the Oxford English Dictionary that I do, so I went elsewhere to try to find what his definition of respect might be, because I'd hate to think he knows full well he is being disrespectful by my definition and yet, chooses to do it anyway. So, I found this in the Urban Dictionary. I'm sure there's no one on the planet who's not heard of it, but to clarify, it's a place where individuals can submit their own definitions and moderators (and users) give these self crafted meanings the thumbs up or down. Literally. I take this straight from their pages, so all credit goes to whomever wrote this:

Respect

908 up, 177 down

It means valuing each others points of views. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are. It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day. It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable. It means not dissing people because they're different to you. It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies. We are lacking respect for each other.

Well, I guess by this definition I could be accused of not accepting people as they are and dissing people due to being different than I. Technically, I suppose I'm gossiping here, but I am NOT spreading a lie.

I believe it is true that cleanliness is next to Godliness and that sloth is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. I think one should practice good hygiene, not only to be closer to God, but to do their part to be presentable (even desirable) to their mate! I can't find any excuse for being so lazy you can't even shower when you're off for several days in a row. Especially when someone you love has already requested, suggested and even BRIBED you to mix in a shower once in a while. 

I do try to value other points of view, and I've shrugged off many a day where a shower and shave just weren't a top priority, but I don't think it's polite and kind to know what would make a loved one happy and just opt not to do it. I think it shows a serious lack of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. 

And there you have it!

Quiz

Q is for quiz. 

A couple of days ago I got what I thought was a pretty cool assignment at work. Up until then, I'd say my duties would have to be classified as purely tactical and not requiring much in the way of skills or smarts. Sad, but true.

I overheard a discussion about how one of the girls had just recalled that in order for participants in a webinar to get what they truly wanted from their attendance (PACE credits) they'd have to pass a ten question quiz. Then there was some discussion on the presenter and her likelihood of being reachable enough to provide said quiz on her topic.

Next thing I knew, I was assigned the task of drafting that quiz. Nevermind that I was the newest kid on the block, and didn't even know the definition of autovalidation, much less the ins and outs of its benefit in a lab setting if used correctly, or the regulations that apparently apply to its use. All I was told was to review the presentation PowerPoint and attempt to draft ten questions that would prove the attendees had understood the material presented. I LOVE that kind of thing. So I wrote the quiz. Hilarious. 

I've still not heard if my attempt was successful. I have to admit my ego is dying to hear that what I culled from the material in fact resulted in a perfectly suitable quiz. But either way, it was the first time I felt challenged and engaged in the duty at hand since I started two months ago. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have my job, and always try to perform all my tasks with diligence and a good attitude, but this one I relished. I wonder if I missed my calling and should have been a teacher so I could write quizzes to my heart's content! Probably not. 

And there you have it! 

Painting

P is for painting.

Painting has become a bit of a running theme around here lately. In May, my artist friend Katherine gave me this huge canvas that's been sitting in the corner, in all its vast, blank whiteness trying to scare the crap outta me. It's working.

I've managed to take what I'm going to call some significant baby steps toward taming that beast. I have purchased not only some paint, but a splendid array of paint brushes as well. Who knows, one day I may approach that canvas armed with my tidy new brushes and make a hot mess. I might even produce something I'd be willing to call art!

I think I have a long way to go before I could produce a painting even half as spectacular as the one I recently commissioned from another artist friend of mine named Chris Clark. That stunner was delivered last Sunday to our surprise and delight. It's a likeness of one of my favorite spiritual places, Lake Shrine in Pacific Palisades. In the foreground there are two white swans and three lotus flowers with light dancing off them in a precious glow. In the background is the Windmill Chapel where my daughter was christened. I've dreamed of a painting like this for so many years and now, I have an original! I think of it as a gift from us, to us, representing the gorgeous beginning of our new life together.

I can't forget to mention the largest painting venture of late being the exterior of our home. We recently had all kinds of wood repairs made due to termite damage. From there we hired professionals to finish and paint the entire exterior of the house. I wish I could properly describe the color we finally selected after painting several two by two foot swatches of varied colors all over the side of the house to try them on. The winner, after much deliberation, was a color called Smoky Mountain. It seems gray in some lights, but in others it seems like a gray tinged with a little bit of dark, smoky merlot wine. You can't call it purple, but you wonder if it has some in it. It's PERFECT against the bright white of all the trim. Our house was in great need of a facelift and it feels good to drive up and be proud of what we've been able to accomplish together in such a short time.

And there you have it!

Ocean

O is for ocean.

What is it about the ocean that appeals to so many people for so many varied reasons? It's like a magnet drawing humans to its vastness and majesty.

For me the ocean beckons softly. I'm not one of those people that have to get in the water daily, though I've known several people throughout my lifetime that did have that type of urge. Mostly surfers. I do find myself, however, from time to time, feeling like it just needs to happen.

In January of 2006, I had one of my most amazing ocean experiences ever. I was off the coast of Anegada in the British Virgin Islands snorkeling. I saw some of the most colorful and amazing creatures I've ever laid eyes on. It was other worldly. There was one fish who stopped right in front of me and just looked at me. I tried to stay fairly still so as not to scare it before I realized it wasn't scared at all, it was interacting with me. After several hours out there, I realized I had made my way some distance from any of the others in my party and several hundred yards from the coast, I felt a twinge of fear, but immediately let that go and just pointed myself back in the direction of the coast and continued to witness the goings on of the gorgeous creatures inhabiting those warm turquoise waters in paradise.

On another occasion I felt I was at some sort of crossroads. I was feeling God as I stood facing the coast in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I stood some distance above the line in the sand last made by the waves reaching up onto the shore. I played a game with the ocean, with God, with myself, and I asked God to bring the waves all the way up to my feet if I would be making a major change in my life and leave them lapping as they were if I were to stay my course. The very next wave rushed up the shore an additional eight or ten feet and enveloped me up to about mid ankle. I smiled: wondering if that really was an oceanic answer from God. I stood in that same spot, my feet now grounded in the sand and watched as the next several surges stayed back where they had been for the last fifteen minutes or so before my question. I decided God had answered me. And it was true, the next several months brought a whole new direction for my life.

I may have just decided in this very moment that I want my ashes to be spread on the ocean when I'm done with this carcass.

And there you have it!

Nine

N is for nine.

Nine is my favorite number. I'm not sure how I first came to that conclusion. It was only MANY years after I'd been pledging my allegiance to the number nine did I get into studying a bit of numerology. 

Did you know that the number nine is mathematically magical? It's weird how it can take over other numbers when multiplied by it, then reduced to a single digit, because it will always be nine: 8 x 9 = 72, and 7 + 2 = 9, 15 x 9 = 135 (1+3+5=9). Try it with ANY number and the single digit number will always return to nine! 

Then, when you add nine to any other number, then reduce the sum to single digit, you'll be back where you started! Check this out: 3 + 9 = 12 (1 + 2 = 3). It's like the nine was never there. So the nine takes over the characteristics of any number multiplied by it, and may as well be invisible in the equation of any number added to it.

Numerologically speaking, the number nine is associated with humanitarian pursuits, social consciousness, compassion, idealism and overall, a drive to make the world a better place. When one is living in a number nine personal year it's the time to turn the page, finish what you've started, reap what you've sewn, and often invites people to pay attention to their inner world. A nine year is also a time for metaphysical studies and writing. Two things I have always been drawn toward. 

Number nine was considered sacred in ancient Egypt and Greece. Babies gestate for nine months. There are nine days of prayer in the Novenas. I could easily list nine more  instances where great minds have attributed deep meaning and significance to the number  nine, but I'll stop there. 

I've been all about the number nine since before I reached that age. Nine is mine!

And there you have it!

Marriage

M is for marriage.

I don't think the standard definitions of marriage are at fault for standard marriages failing so frequently long before death. But, I do find it odd that the main definition describes it so coldly, "a consensual and and contractual relationship recognized by law." Yet, when they move toward the third definition, and refer to the marriage of painting and poetry, they call that an intimate or close union.

I much prefer the notion of a spiritual marriage where two souls elect to unite eternally for the purpose of aiding one another in progressing toward that perfect balance of feminine and masculine traits and ultimately, full spiritual awakening.

I think too often husbands and wives forget about this high purpose and allow selfishness to pervade the shared life. They get the misguided notion that it's the other's job to make them happy, to support them, to tolerate whatever foul mood, attitude, habit, or action they dish  out. That is not love and will not sustain a marriage vow.

I've wed before, and I have to admit that I was guilty of certain transgressions against my husband such as disrespect, retaliation for treatment I found unjust, criticizing him. I could make excuses for that, and many of them would sound justifiable. But instead, I've chosen to introspect on that experience, accept my part in it and work to change myself.

I will marry again in 98 days. This time I will remain mindful of the true ultimate purpose for marriage being spiritual unfoldment and strive to exhibit the divine qualities of understanding, patience, thoughtfulness,  love and service. This will be the best and last marriage for both of us and I'm excited for the opportunity it will provide express love in it's highest form.

And there you have it!

Light

L is for light.

I chose to write about light for so many reasons. I am fascinated with it in its many forms. First light of day is miraculous to me. The way the light plays in the clouds, sending its rays out across a crispy blue sky gives me pause every time. I'm going to make a point of seeing more sunrise light in the coming months.

Then there's light from fixtures. Have you ever noticed the difference it makes in the way you feel based on the way the light in a room has been handled? That's why the best interior designers employ artful combinations of direct, indirect, ambient, task, accent, and recessed lighting. It serves to complete the decor in a home in a way nothing else could.

Light is also used in all kinds of healing therapies for depression, skin disorders, etc. - from lasers to ultraviolet.

I don't know if I can officially classify fireworks as light, but they do indeed light up the sky and peoples hearts as they watch the spectacle of any major pyrotechnic show.

Of course I can't leave out candlelight. Use your own imagination to bring back a time where candles made something special even more so.  I won't say more there.

And lastly, I come to what I think is the most important aspect of light. It's the light that is the opposite of darkness. The light that is a beacon to lead us to awakening. The light that dances in the spiritual eye reminding us that there can be no darkness where there is light! Eternal soul thanks go out to  Paramahansa Yogananda for showing me where the light is.

And there you have it!

Kismet

K is for kismet. 
Is it fate that I am where I am? Believe what I do? Have the quantity, type, gender of offspring that I do. Were my kids always going to be born to me? Was that known by someone even before I was born to my mom, or before SHE was born to hers? Was I destined to write? Is his love my destiny?

I have often found that when certain individual worlds collide, it's like there was no other alternative. What that particular person, job, situation brings into your life at that particular given time often seems (usually in retrospect) like it was simply meant to be. Only rarely do we realize it at the time. But there's also that moment where you're living the first few moments or hours of something, somewhere, someone, and you feel like the world conspired to put you just where you were at that moment, just for the sheer purpose of having that exact experience. I personally LOVE that! I don't care if it's really true or not. Even when some particularly amazing period of life ends, if it has felt like kismet to us, we tend to hold onto the meaning we attached to it for some time. 

They call it "The will of Allah' in Islamic culture. Is Allah supposed to be like western christian culture's Jesus? Or God? I wonder if it's kismet that determines if, when, or why we attach ourselves to certain spiritual or religious beliefs.

Is there some Omniscient being working our puppet strings, causing our world's to collide and enjoying what we make of it? Seeing who realizes what is and is not "meant to be"? I wonder if kismet exists to nudge us in some specific direction. Maybe it is there for us to recognize, but often times we just don't. Maybe kismet is like "coincidences" in the book, The Celestine Prophecy, it's meant to be something of which we are to take special note in order to walk the path laid out by our destiny. 

There are probably some who will say, "Kismet, schmizmet! I make my own destiny!" I, for one, believe we know very little of the workings of this vast universe, and if intuition knocks on my door, calling itself kismet, I'm gonna go ahead and answer. I'll invite him/her in and see what s/he has to say. 

And there you have it!

June

J is for June. I just learned that my nephew is going to take a walk down the aisle next June! My brother and his wife have decided to rent a big house on a lake and host our whole family for this monumental occasion. I think I'm in. I told her I'd be there and that she should send the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Shawn Grant Polly as we will be wed by then! (Wow. It's coming faster than I thought)

June is big for tying the knot. I wonder when/how that all got started? Maybe it was back in the day when people often married straight out of high school and had to graduate first. The next available month was June. Maybe it has more to do with weather. Perhaps in most states, where the weather can be restrictive several months out of the year, June has trended as the most weather friendly.

I've now been married twice, but never chose June. My fiancé has been married also, yet he has never chosen June either. Maybe that's where we both went wrong. I wonder if there's ever been any research on whether or not marrying in June makes one less (or more) likely to be divorced.

I guess for me, I thought June bride stuff was cliché, and I didn't want any part of it. I say that so boldly after choosing Valentine's Day! Ha! I had to stick to a three hour time slot so all the other completely original brides like me who steered clear of June could fit their wedding in on the other most obvious day of the year to say I do!

Well, all I can say is that now I have something fabulous to which I will look forward after my own wedding. I love to be with my huge family and I believe everyone will make it out to Georgia for this one. Apparently the house they intend to rent is huge and has a pool table, a pool, a boat dock, etc. They have a boat and a couple jet skis also, so there should be good fun had by all. I'm excited to see next June. We'll cut the cake and cut a rug and cut up a bit I'm sure. And, God willing, my lovely mother will be turning 83 a week or two later and this will be an awesome opportunity for all six of her kids and hopefully, all 11 grandkids to be with her as well. Dum dum da dum...cut the cake!

And there you have it!

Introspection

Introspection by Nene Thomas

I is for introspection. Or maybe Intuition. 

Eastern spiritual teachers often ask disciples to develop the practice of daily meditation and introspection, the former to shut off the senses in order to tap into spirit, and the latter to see what you are becoming and if you like the direction you're taking. It's tough to examine oneself dispassionately and face real or imagined shortcomings. But, if one makes a sincere effort they may become aware of some habit or character flaw that is holding them back. From there, one can resolve to replace wrong attitude or behavior with the opposite right minded action.

This is wise counsel and would likely be a great benefit to anyone who would employ it in practice. But, how many people do you suppose practice honest introspection daily, if ever? Even if one should sincerely desire to take an honest look at his or her actions, motivations, feelings, progress, or state...how likely is any human to be truly objective at self assessment?

I think that's where intuition comes into play. If one is truly able to quiet the busy mind and reflect honestly on their motivations, actions, reactions, interactions, energy levels, and general states of consciousness daily, chances are you're dealing with an already fairly spiritually advanced individual. And in my experience, people who have made a true spiritual effort have also tapped into their intuition (a priori, direct perception or knowing not based on reasoning). Perhaps the way around an ego debate with oneself  – looking to justify anything other than right minded, even temperament, kindness, and right activity – is to let intuition be your guide. All of us have within ourselves answers and knowledge that we can access and rely on at any given moment. You have to decide to look.

And there you have it!

May we reach our Home by following the inner light.
                                        ~Paramahansa Yoganandya

Happiness

H is for happiness. Happy was the first word that came to mind today when I sat down to write about something that starts with an H. I went with happiness instead as it seemed more encompassing, more permanent somehow.  more like a state of being than an adjective. I started to think about happiness and the first things that came to mind were quotes we've all heard. Like how it's an inside job and how no one can make you unhappy unless you give them permission. But then I dove a little deeper, started thinking about all I've pondered and investigated regarding what really brings lasting happiness. Philosophers from way back who looked into what could be known about it were definitely on to something. 

Today, there's a whole branch of psychology  called Positive Psychology aiming to discover the recipe. When they first started to define it, they went with an "authentic happiness" theory, which sort of measured happiness on a scale of life satisfaction, but as it evolved, they posited that that satisfaction was made up of things that would be more measurable: Positive emotion, Engagement, positive Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment (PERMA). It was a shift from keying in on "happiness" to keying in on "well being'. I think that leap was made because "happy" can be so temporary or fleeting as it's derived from your experience of something or someone you deem pleasing. Whereas happiness that is centered in ones wellbeing could be presumed less fleeting, more durable, and achieved on a regular basis by maintaining the PERMA levels in your life. If you want to know more on this, Google Dr. Martin Seligman, Director of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.

Another study finds that extroverts often test "happier" than "introverts". I've been an extrovert my whole life and I don't know if I can believe that my extroversion has really been a contributor to any lasting, permanent sort of happiness, or well-being for that matter. Nor can I believe that introverts aren't capable of inner happiness. I can see how extroversion would play into the well-being theory above though, because it's all about engagement, relating, accomplishing, so those who are more apt to get out and connect would have more opportunity for hitting those markers, if it's true that these are "keys" to well being.
I want to touch on the kind of happiness that wouldn't require anything with anyone. The inside job kind of happiness, where you simply make up your mind to be happy, focus on the positive, live gratitude for the eternal now, cultivate inner peace, and resolve that nothing or no one can rob you of it and you don't need any circumstance to spark it. I'd like very much to achieve a state of inner happiness that was unshakable by external forces. I'm still working on it, and not quite there yet!

And there you have it. 

Guitar

Jimmy Page. Thanks Google!

 G is for guitar. So this random selection comes from sitting down to keep my promise to write each day inspired by words that start with consecutive letters in the alphabet. While hearing my man get down on his electric guitar, I picked that. He tells me that music is set up to A 440, while Jimmy Hendrix would tune to A440 flat and the kids would go much lower. What the f#@! is he talking about?

I don't know how to play any musical instruments. Not for lack of trying. I've taken piano lessons three different times in my life. When I was really young, I tried violin, viola and cello. I don't think my right hand will ever be able to run its own game while my left does the same. My man, however, can play bass, guitar, and drums! I find that impressive.

I've seen live guitarists from Robin Trauer to Peter White. I've listened to Flamenco in an underground grotto in Spain. The guitar has been the backdrop to so many of my most treasured memories. So, tonight, I'll keep it short and sweet and say that a man who owns the strings of the guitar, can pretty much move any feeling soul on the planet. Maybe guitars and the people who master them are a gift from God. Or maybe they're just blessed to have the music in them.

And there you have it.

Friends

Coco, Susan and Ms. P

F is for friends. I've been lucky enough to have been blessed with a handful of truly amazing, long term friends. The photo here is of three of them at my 50th birthday this past May. I've known them all for at least 30 years! Each has given me a huge part of themselves and I've thanked them again and again, but it will NEVER be sufficient. These ladies have seen me through so many phases, moods, events, ups and downs...husbands! Hahahahahah! One of them is even going to fly out to the British Virgin Islands on her own dime to witness what better be my best and last marriage this coming January.

I'm so grateful we've been around to embrace, accept, defend, annoy, coerce, console and celebrate one another over the years. They are all amazing women with different traits, strengths, and unique and wonderful ways about them. I have had so MANY great times with them. Concerts, dancing, travel, work, child births, birthdays, holidays. We've laughed 'til we cried and cried until we were over it and decided to go have fun again! I love these ladies, and the others not shown here, with all of my being. 

Some people don't have even one friendship in their whole lifetime that has been as rich as the one I've shared with each of my dear friends. It didn't happen by accident. We each chose to make the effort, to be there for one another, to reach out, to show up. It's not that it's all been rainbows and roses. Sometimes good friends do what real friends do...call you on your flaws, challenge you to grow! We've had tough times between us here and there, but never lost sight of what we have, and never withdrew our love. We decided to value each other, stick around, invest. Sometimes we've taken breaks, spent a little less time together when life got to be demanding, but like everyone says, true friendships pick right back up where they left off and ours always have. So I say to each of my dear friends, stealing the words of Winnie the Pooh, "If you live to be a hundred, I wanna live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you!"

And there you have it!

Election

I'm the President

E is for Election
I liked when this guy on the left said in his nomination acceptance speech that even HE was sick of hearing, "I approve of this message." I like to hear him talk, and I'm sick if it. I also liked how he pointed out that after all, he IS the press-O-dent! Has he been able to keep every campaign promise he made? No. Has he solved all our problems and changed the way politics happens? Nope. Is  he a man who has stayed calm, remained confident and kept going during one of the WORST times since the great depression? Yes. Did he cause all the job loss, the housing market crash, the bailouts, the wars we keep paying for in other countries? Of course not. Would someone else have done things differently. Probably.

I'll have to give you that one.

Now, this guy looks like someone who would likely be cast to PLAY the president in a movie, but that's no reason to elect him. He has made lots of money, we have to give him that. But before assigning smarts and savvy to his character for "making it" you have to remember, he comes from money and that's a leg up. It's not shocking he'd like to save he and his monied brethren lot's of money. People always put their own interests first. But, someone who thinks the middle class consists of taxpayers who earn $200,000 to $250,000 per year is clearly out of touch! That may be in his neighborhood, but not mine...or yours likely. I was further unimpressed when it came out that he was sitting around with the rich boys club and said the 47% of people who support his opponent "feel entitled to government handouts." How the @#$*! does he know how people other than himself feel?  Of course, he had to backpedal on both fronts, as he has had to do so regularly throughout this race. Paul Ryan is with him all the way. He talks without thinking - an even admitted to "making up" a lie about a marathon. He could at least be smart enough to know he'd be scrutinized and fact checked. Yet he wants to play it off like a mistake instead of a FABRICATION. That is not what I want for a Commander in Chief or his right hand man. I think that signals disengagement with ownership of your values. When you don't lie, or speak without thinking you don't have to backpedal. When you're authentic it shows. I don't see it on either of these two.

Look at the photo at the top once more. The body language says, "I'm me, I'm calm, I'm listening...I'm the President of the United States of America." Can't say that about the next photo. I don't have a stated party affiliation and rarely get into political anything. I do always watch both conventions to get a read on my very limited choices. I am personally fed up with a system that is broken. I don't think that even if either of them knew how to fix it the system would let them do so. But for now, I'd like to go with character, commitment and continued effort over disengaged, entitled, thoughtless missteps that require a clinic in backpedaling after.

And there you have it!

Just Me

I'm a daughter, sister, mother, friend, artist, writer, lover and a dreamer.

I love to think, feel, listen, discover, talk, travel, ponder, dance, engage, laugh and write. Sometimes I even love to cry.

I give myself to the world. I give myself to God. I try to do the right thing most of the time. I mean no harm and have a huge, optimistic heart.

I believe in miracles, and beauty and possibility and I'm going to be an author of more than one book.

And there you have it!

Dream

D is for Dream. Today I'm going to try writing straight through stream of consciousness on everything I think, feel, believe about dreams. 

Dreams that happen when we are asleep in bed at night are usually something people barely remember if at all. I remember most every detail of many of mine. They are in full color, have smells, light, shadows, people, animals, places, emotions. I feel like I actually experience them. Sometimes I'm me, sometimes I'm watching me be pretty much me. Sometimes while dreaming, I realize I'm repeating a dream I've already had. When that happens, I get the feeling I remember what and how things happened the last time and I think to change them for a better outcome this time around and I change the experience. 

I usually bore people to tears recounting my varied, detailed dream experiences. A few of my closest friends get me on this front and find it fascinating, remarkable even. I have one friend who can always break them down for what they might mean in my waking life. 

So, what about dreams we have in our waking life? Like of taking a fabulous vacation, finding a true love, graduating from college, beating cancer, making a big difference in the world, winning the lottery, having children and grandchildren, learning to speak another language...what makes us dream those dreams and reach for them? First through our subconscious, we feel a pull to certain places, things, people; a little urge that might seem like a passing fancy. Then maybe our consciousness gets a little clearer on it and we investigate a little. Can we really have, be, or do that? So we decide mentally, "Yes!" and then with our words and actions, we bring these dreams to fruition. Or not. But the point is, most of us have had a dream we ourselves made come true by our own volition. So at that point, this life becomes  a dream – you living what once was just a notion.

I think it might even go a step further. What if we (humanity) are living representations of a bigger dream? Like actors on a stage, playing roles, saying lines, gaining experiences, interacting with the rest of the cast. And this is a HUGE play! None of it any more "real" than the ones we conjure in our sleep. We think we feel pain and pleasure, ups and downs, fears and bravery, connection or rejection...the list of dualities goes on. And we react to all of it as if it were true; a part of ourselves, a requirement of this life. 

Well, what if one day you woke up from this whole life and realized none of it had been real? Just like after a sleeping dream. What if sense pleasures were imagined as good, and trials imagined as evil, when actually the opposite was true? That sense pleasures had tricked and deluded you, while trials caused you to seek some deeper meaning and ultimately taught you what you actually knew all along, but forgot!

What if you woke up from the dream of this life to a beautiful and all encompassing light and the experience of complete peace and joy beyond description? No ego, no senses, no thoughts, no words, just being – where everything and nothing were the same because duality had ceased to exist. And along with every other verity, you knew you had always been a soul, perfect in every way, created in the image of the Divine. 

Maybe when my Dream's dream is done, she will lift me on her lap and I will finally awaken for good from this dream called life!

And there you have it!

Communication

C is for Communication, the word of the day. My first communication attempt today seemed to have failed miserably, but turned out to spark some much better attempts later in the day. 

I had an unpleasant exchange with my love and future husband just before going in to the office this morning. We have been having a tough time of late in the communication department as we transition to togetherness and partnership living under one roof. After being separate and set in our  independent ways, we're having to learn the art of communication and compromise. 

So, when I got off the phone with him and walked into work, I have to admit I was fighting tears. They were tears of frustration and fear. I said I'd find a pocket for my feelings and put them there out of mind so I could work and I actually did just that. I decided to channel my sidelined frustration into concentration. I was a little surprised that I got so much accomplished.

Just as I was feeling great about my contribution for the day, a co-worker and I touched base via the chat system on our desktops. I began to relay all the progress I'd made on our shared project. She started to point out all the ways she perceived I had misstepped, not acknowledging my nearly complete to do list (or the fact that most things on it were supposed to have been on hers). Soon I found myself on the defensive and ready to spit textual daggers her way for insinuating that I was a dullard. Instead, I did what I had wished my fiancé had done earlier. I decided to hear (read) her out, validate her concern clearly, then wait to see if she had more to say before calmly suggesting we had likely gone the way of misunderstanding and frustration due to the inept venue for communication that is an instant message box! I reminded her we are on the same side and should strive to support and uplift one another when the going gets tough rather than accuse and belittle. She agreed, and to top it off, called to apologize for her frustration and having taken it out on me!

I shared this with my love when I got home and we both acknowledged where we'd gone wrong earlier and made an agreement to redouble our efforts to communicate more effectively (and compassionately) moving forward. It felt like I'd just discovered something key to my happiness. And that is that when fear or ego take over, all good sense goes out the window and humans revert to reaction, anger and defense mechanisms that have never worked and never will. But it wasn't a discovery, it was more of what I have coined a repiphany. 

I'll have to elaborate on that one when I get to R!

And there you have it!

Picking Up Where I Left Off

B

I'm back to my charge. The ABC's of blogging. I started something I really want to finish. I did "A" some time back and now I am going to write every day for the next 25 days, until I finish the alphabet. They say the hardest thing about writing is just doing it. We'll see. 

Today, B is for battle. The battle that we are programmed from birth to fight. The infamous battle between good and evil.  

So what is good and what is evil? Happiness, pleasure, affection, success, love. Those are all good, right? Sorrow, pain, rejection, failure, hatred could be construed as evil. Well, if we get our definitions from the dictionary – that uses defined words to illustrate the definitions of others, we have to have some contextual reference to the words used to define other words to be able to actually give them any real meaning for ourselves. Which is to say that meanings must be construed. 

This makes me "happy". This feels "good". How many times have we used those phrases only to find ourselves at the opposite end of the spectrum before we can blink an eye? I'm so "sad", I feel miserable! This sucks! The ancient rishis call it maya, or delusion and unfortunately, it's the root cause for the battle that goes on through the ages, affecting all humanity until at last they break free. But to break free is no easy task. It seems so much easier to ignore what it would take to do so, and settle for the little "wins" of instant gratification, only to be disappointed in their temporal nature.

So what does it mean to be eternally happy? How can something that we can't touch or taste bring the ultimate satisfaction? Why is affection so gratifying, and loss so devastating? When and how do we really succeed? Where can we find true and lasting love?

We won't know until we finally win the battle between the ego and the soul, the senses and spirit, the noise and the silence. Apparently, the only way to do so is to go within. Retreat from the battlefield where the senses reign and discover the beauty beyond definition that paints the infinite bliss of the inner world. Free from delusion.

And there you have it.